I don’t post at midnight. I probably never do. The truth is, there’s just been a lot on my mind and I’m struggling to process right now and at midnight, you guys are the only ones who are here.
So yes, sometimes I post at midnight.
Some nights I come home late with a heavy heart.
Some nights I go to bed with mascara smudged down my face.
Some nights I stay up because I don’t want to go to sleep…
I don’t want to go to sleep because
I don’t want to wake up in a world that looks like this.
A world where people live in pain.
A world where “suicide” brings up all sorts of memories.
A world where poverty is starving people to death.
Where people are starving themselves to death.
Where I tried to do just that.
A world where people take their own lives.
And the lives of their unborn baby.
Where a thirteen year old understands the meaning of suicide well enough that she chooses it.
A world where the dishonest, scheming, and selfish always seem to get ahead.
A world where people fall in love with people who don’t love them back.
A world where people cheat and lie.
Where there is heartbreak.
Where you waste three years in a relationship filled with verbal abuse and now find yourself alone.
A world where loneliness causes people to do stupid things.
To make out with the wrong people, date the wrong people, marry the wrong people.
A world where we have to teach teenagers that nude photos are not going to give them a sense of value.
Where people bully other people.
Where those people then pass it on down the chain and bully more people.
Where words like “depressed” “cutting” “anorexia” and “suicide” are just “part of the job”
Sometimes this world is a difficult place to wake up to. And so instead I choose to never fall asleep.
And sometimes I cry. Scream. Sob. Hit things really, really hard.
And other times I just collapse to the floor and stare up at the ceiling, wondering when it will all end – when things will get better.
And what role I really play in the whole game.
I lose a lot of things: my temper, my drive, my mind…
But there’s one thing I don’t lose: hope.
Because without hope we have nothing. Without hope there is no love. Without hope there is no freedom.
And so I cling to it as tightly as I can:
I have hope. You have hope. We have hope.
I see it in the stories of others who shouldn’t be alive to tell them. I see it in the smiles of strangers who have gone through pain I know nothing about.
I see it in myself.
Every day I wake up and eat breakfast I am reminded there is hope. Every night I go to bed without fresh cuts on my wrists – there is hope. Every breath of life I take in: there is hope.
And so now it’s after midnight, and I’m reflecting on this week – a week that has been filled with sorrow, loss, and disbelief. With questions, regret, and memories. A week that nearly sucked hope right out of me.
And then I remember this: we live in a messed up world. A world of pain and suffering. A world of injustice and questions. But we also live in a world of healing. A world of second chances.
A world where we still can make a difference.
And so I lay my head down on my pillow, close my eyes, and cling to that.
“This day, this day you feel helpless. This day makes all those other days when you fight to save a life and lose. This day makes you grateful you have a chance to do anything at all. You take it in.” – Grey’s Anatomy