In my last blog I shared how I was taking a bold step – rather than running away from the pain or sweeping it under the rug, I was going to turn around and face it. Blessed are not the forgetful, I argued; because “Forgetting” had left me with unresolved hurt that just kept resurfacing.
So now, two weeks later, I thought I would write a little follow-up to let you guys know how it all went…
For starters let me say this: it wasn’t easy. I relived three years of pain, hurt, and loss in five days. It was intense.
But that doesn’t mean it wasn’t worth it…
I came out the other end and, first of all I survived, and second, I am so much better for it!
Let me explain…
By reliving every memory, every moment, and allowing them to linger rather than casting them aside, and then allowing myself to feel within those memories, I finally got the emotional closure I needed. You don’t need someone else in order to get closure; closure is something that happens within yourself and is not dependent on others participating. This is something I learned.
Another thing I learned: to say no. I had never said no. Everything was always “yes” “ok” “it’s all good” – because I didn’t want to upset anyone and risk them rejecting me.
I thought saying no would blow up in my face and hurt me more than ever. But then I had a situation come up in which I had to make a decision: yes or no. And for the first time in my life I said no. And you know what? That “no” felt better than any yes I’ve ever said. (I think I will write more on this in a future blog…)
See here’s the thing, through this entire process I did more than just let go, and I did more than just heal; I discovered my values and my worth. For once in my life I actually know what I want and how I want to be treated, and it’s not based on what I think other people want or how they want to treat me – it’s solely based on me.
I did the hard work, I cried, I sobbed, I screamed, and I healed. Why would I ever want to go back after that? Why would ever want to risk allowing history to repeat itself? To walk right back into another situation that will end the same way?
I am worth so much more than that.
I see things differently now. My eyes are opened and I notice I am finally standing up for myself more – possibly annoying to some, but I’m not apologizing. I also have a better understanding of what I want my life and relationships to look like and I have the desire to stand up for that – and I’m no longer afraid to speak up.
When I first said “Blessed are the feelers” – I knew I was about to embark on a journey I’d never been on, and that I’d likely be surprised by my discoveries. But nothing could have prepared me for what I am actually feeling now. What I am actually experiencing. I am finally able to live. I finally have a voice. I am finally free.
And it’s a beautiful thing.