I must’ve lived a thousand times
But every day begins the same
‘Cause there’s a small town in my mind
How can I leave without hurting everyone that made me?
Have you ever felt trapped?
You wake up each day knowing where you want to go, but you’re held back. Your spirit moves forward but your body remains in place. Stagnant. Soulless. Empty.
You dream of something more, something bigger, something brighter, something real.
It’s not out of reach; you just can’t seem to grab it. Something is holding you back.
Have you ever felt stuck?
Stuck in someone else’s life. Stuck in a place you no longer want to be. Stuck living a lie.
Moving forward means inevitably leaving things behind. What if nobody comes with you? What if you end up alone?
But there’s no lonelier existence than one spent separated from yourself.
Does the thought of change ever terrify you?
I know I’m afraid.
Change is complex. It can be powerful and uplifting, but it can also be a burden.
As fear sets in, doubt follows closely behind. You doubt your change, you doubt your power, you doubt that you’ll ever truly be free.
Where is the doubt coming from?
Voices. So many voices. They circle around you telling you what to do, where to go, who to be. They whisper and murmur and when you don’t pay attention, they begin to shout.
Louder and louder.
And then they turn defensive.
When did who you are become a threat?
The walls are closing in. You feel claustrophobic. Is the room getting smaller or are you getting bigger?
You begin to lose perspective amidst the chaos.
You want to drown out the voices with your truth. You want to scream out–
Then you reflect on the consequences…what you’d lose, who you’d lose.
You shrink back into yourself.
We’re gonna get real old real soon
Today we’re younger than we’re ever gonna be
Time flies by.
You’ll break free tomorrow, next week, next month, next year… You’ll get there.
You just have some logistics to figure out. You have to be practical.
You take a breath and reassess.
You examine your surroundings. This prison seems so familiar. You begin to explore the walls, the latch, the lock–did you create this?
Are you the enemy?
Thought you ought to know by now
I thought you ought to know by now
Everybody not so nice, nice
Everybody not so nice, nice
When you’re surrounded by threats, do you really have the freedom of choice?
This isn’t what you wanted.
But how do you find the strength to leave when the only way out involves leaving behind everything you’ve ever known?
Fear sets in once again and begins to ask questions.
Does the truth really set you free?
Nobody knows for sure.
There is no roadmap. There is no guide.
There is only you and your truth.
Listen closely.
What is it trying to say?
Have you ever been silenced?
I have so much to say. So much more to say. But I can’t. At least not today…
How can I leave without hurting everyone that made me…
All quotes are from “Small Town Moon” by Regina Spektor
A Personal Note:
I wrote this a while back when I was feeling, well, trapped. It was inspired by one of my favourite songs by Regina Spektor, “Small Town Moon“. As I began to write, the pent up words spilled out. When I was done, I was shocked by what I had written. It’s amazing how sometimes the best way we can come to know our deepest selves is by putting pen to paper (or fingers to keys?) While this is far more abstract than my usual writing, after reading through it again and making some necessary edits, I felt it was something I wanted to share because I don’t think I’m the only one who has felt this way. For anyone out there who can relate to this feeling in any way, know you aren’t alone. I don’t have the answers or directions yet, but I do know that naming something is the first step towards breaking free from it. As always, I’d love to hear from you in the comments if this resonates. Also, if you’ve gone through this and come out the other side, I’d love for you to share your experience with us.
xLaurenB
